I'm so Glad YOU are here
You made it past the hard part! Admitting you want to change something about your life is a big step, believe me. I've been there. I felt so stuck and I couldn't figure out why. I knew I wasn't satisfied or happy with my life and I felt like I was missing something. I put the blame on everyone else because it seemed like nothing was working out for me. I played the victim because I thought everyone else was to blame. I was tired of being bullied and emotionally abused and couldn’t understand why someone would to do that to me. I was a kind and caring person but it seemed like everyone wanted to take advantage of me, manipulate me, or even abuse me. I was doing everything for everyone else in order to gain love and approval, but I still didn’t feel loved because I didn’t love myself. It wasn't until I went through a toxic relationship that I woke up and realized I didn't have to put up with this anymore. I could be assertive and still be considered a nice person. I didn't know it at the time but I had the power to shift and learn to care less what others thought of me, and more what I thought of myself.
My story of overcoming emotional abuse and taking my POWER back
I had just graduated college and was trying to figure out what I was doing with my life. I had a boyfriend, I thought I’d find a job soon and everything seemed perfect. I didn’t know that everything I knew was about to fall apart. I thought it would be so easy to get a job out of college. I was wrong. That summer I spent countless hours applying to job after job. I did unpaid internships that promised experience but never actually allowed me to do what I loved and I was starting to become very frustrated with my life choice. I pretended to be okay with everything but I knew I really wasn't happy.
Flash forward a year later
I had been in and out of jobs since I graduated. Never finding something that stuck. I was depressed and upset because I wasn't where I wanted to be in life. My relationship was falling apart and everything I knew seemed to be crumbling before my eyes. It seems like nothing I did was working and this furthered me into victimization. After my relationship of four years fell apart that's when I hit rock bottom.
That's where it all fell apart
After four years together my whole life fell apart. This sent me into a spiral of depression. He had been my rock and (although I couldn't see it at the time) I had depended on him for survival. I was convinced I wouldn't survive without him so I tried everything to stay. I didn't know it at the time but I needed love and approval outside of myself so badly that I clung to anyone I thought could give me what I needed so badly to give myself.
Addictions come in many forms and sometimes they are to other people. I felt like I needed someone to be able to survive. It was because I didn't love myself enough. I felt so empty and I was looking so desperately for someone to love me. I joined an online dating site in order to cope with my loneliness. I met someone very soon after. This was the start of a two year relationship that would completely change my life.
At first he seemed like my night in shining armor. He was so charming and sweet and he could make me laugh like no one else could. But that laughter turned into sarcasm and subtle stabs at my self esteem that would hurt my confidence even more. But after every time he would tear me down, he would apologize and claim he would never do it again. I couldn't understand how someone could say they love me and be so mean to me at the same time. The subtle ways he manipulated me into thinking everything was my fault and I believed him because he made it so convincing. I was so miserable, but I couldn't live without someone in my life so I stayed.
I was addicted to relationships
I stayed because I thought I loved him and I thought he loved me but who I really needed to love was myself.
This was my wakeup call. At the time I didn't realize I had a choice. I was allowing him to walk all over me because of the wounds I had in my past. He was triggering them all. He dismissed my beliefs and made me feel bad about asking for my needs. But this was all to wake me up and to heal these parts of me that were broken. I didn't love and approve of myself enough to stand up to him and set healthy boundaries with myself and others. I believed what I was told because I didn't have enough confidence to know my worth.
Now that I see the bigger picture I'm glad I went through it.
Once I finally left I started to understand. I discovered that I was codependent and I wanted to fix others and gain their love and approval. I learned that codependency had to do with relying on another person but not in the way you think. You want this person to love and approve all the parts you don't love yourself. But that's impossible. I learned to set boundaries and stopped letting others walk all over me.
By learning to heal your childhood wounds you start to heal the parts of you that are broken. When you self partner, love yourself, and become that source of love that you had been seeking outside, you become unstoppable and learn that you can do anything in life.
I am so much happier today. And it's not because things outside of me changed. It's because I learned how to love myself and stand in my power. It's not selfish to love yourself, in fact it’s the healthiest thing you can do. I know how hard it is to want to change but hopefully seeing my story and seeing how much I've changed my life you will see that it's worth the investment.
You are worth everything!
Life is to short to continue to live life like this, believe me I know how hard it was and what a constant struggle I went through for love and approval. But I promise you it's all inside you and I can help you find it.
If you're ready to take the next step to loving yourself fully then schedule a Free Clarity Session with me today